Choices and living with them

It seems to be all about choices right now.

I need to choose between two applicants for the one job opening I have. They are both friendly, nice, educated with work experience. They both already know and love our products. I am going to need a second interview and my external sales manager's help to choose between them.

I also need to choose how much to help a struggling employee. Whereas the Big Boss used to manage this man himself, he is giving up. He has handed management of the employee over to me. Though this team member is really a nice guy, he just isn't good at some very important parts of this job. So, I try to choose how much energy and work I want to put into making this guy work for the company, and at what point I am ready to give up and let the company "let him go".

I hate these decisions as they directly affect so many lives beyond mine. The applicants, the employee, the other team members, the other Omega employees who work with members of my team, all affected by my choices.

There's more personal choices coming up now too. Duke's wonderful Imbolc ritual called for choosing something to give up, something to have a victory over. I chose "insecurity", as I think I am undervalueing myself at work and at other times as well. I think I need to remember that my worth is about who I am, what I know, what I can do, and has no relation to other people's worth. My value, or lack thereof, is not measured in comparison to other people. That is hard to remember, especially during crisis, when I need that knowledge the most. But I choose to be secure in my own worth, even when faced with challenges to that belief.

The Imbolc ritual also called for us to choose goals or positive things to bind to ourselves. I wrote "CONNECT", "LOVE", "REST" and "PRAY" on the paper.

I want to choose to connect more often to the people, places and things that really matter to me. I also want to choose to connect more frequently to the world. To connect is to be present; to be in the moment, in the emotion, in the real space. It is to not check out or space out; it is to really listen and then to speak from truer places inside. It doesn't have to be about people I love either; I want to connect more at work too.

I want to choose to love more. I want to express the love I already have for individuals more often. I want to choose to act from love more often. I want to learn how to love more and better. I also want to enjoy more sex.

I want to choose rest. I need a vacation. I have three weeks of vacation time saved up at this point. I need to take some of it soon, or risk getting sick again from exhaustion.

I want to pray. I choose to have faith, and express this through a variety of means of prayer. I choose to connect with the world through spirit as well as through the physical.

These are, in some ways, harder choices. For one thing, they haven't been forced upon me. I could ignore the choices I made in the ritual, however sacred those choices may be, and no one would force me to act. At work, people will force me to choose and will even assist me in the choices. In the sacred choices, I am choosing for myself and must act of my own accord, with my own willpower and energy being the only driving forces.

These are also more abstract choices. Applicant A or Applicant B is a concrete, real choice. To act from insecurity or to act from security is a different choice. I will make a plan to make these choices more concrete... tomorrow.

Now I will forget that I have choices waiting to be made. Instead, I will choose to love Russ (and hopefully connect with him too).