Espresso prayers

I love our espresso machine! Americanoes and lattes on a moment's notice is a luxury I am quickly getting used to.

Coffee is a bit of a comfort food for me. It represents luxury, the relaxation of a long morning, the right start to the day. I don't need it exactly; I just want it really bad.

Ever since Russ got his new job with its steady hours, he's been able to get up just after me in the morning. We have breakfast and coffee together, then he drops me off at the office on his way to work.

It is such a glorious thing, to be able to sit with him in the morning quiet and not tip-toe around 'cause he's still sleeping after his closing shift the night before. It feels good to share a morning routine. And to look out for each other: putting together an americano or putting a bagel in to toast for the other person.

And now my mornings have built in entertainment, as Russ has trouble with words and sentences when he first wakes up!

Tears and consequences

Yesterday I broke down and cried in front of the Big Boss (the BB). He wasn't yelling, which wouldn't have been unusual, but I was so frustrated and disappointed that I couldn't stop.

I would have made it to the bathroom if he hadn't noticed how close I was and decided to talk to me more.

Yesterday he told me that my applicant of choice didn't pass the (f***ing) discernment process. She was the only applicant right for the (f***ing) job, and the (f***ing) psychic who works for our (f***ing) company, who has the complete faith of the (f***ing) owners, said that we should check her references and try again later. Not a "no", but definitely a longer delay with a possible "no" to come later.

I am short-staffed. I am exhausted. My staff is demoralized, overworked and underpaid.

As I was sitting in the BB's office, this delay did not feel just like a delay in getting a new team member. I felt like that was also telling me that I can't take time off yet, I can't focus on starting the new tasks I want my team working on, I can't make progress in improving customer service -- because the key to all those things and many more is having enough staff.

So I cried.

It shocked him enough that I think he listened to me for the first time. I have told him time and time again that we're short-staffed, but I don't think he understood what it meant. This time we went through each member of my tiny team and I told him what each one has to accomplish on a daily basis. Now I think he gets it.

After work yesterday I went out with a friend. She listened patiently while I ranted about this, told me how stupid the BB and the discernment process is, and I felt better. So last night's LJ post was sort of optimistic and hopeful.

But then I went to work today. The BB had called our external sales manager (hereafter WW for Wonder Woman), who is sort of my supervisor, and had told her what happened in his office. She got all worried. Worried enough that she had actually called my home last night, but I was out and didn't check my messages when I got home.

So almost the first thing I have to face this morning is her worrying. It meant a lot that she wanted to help make me feel better, but, at the same time, it just brought me back to the frustration and exhaustion. Not to mention the embarrassment, since WW is always so together, and, though she gets frustrated, she doesn't "lose it".

The good news is, this might get my team some of what we need to operate: more staff, more money, flex-time, more support, etc. I didn't mean it to be a way of getting my way, but it may have drawn enough attention to the problems at hand that something may get done.

The bad news is, I feel emotional and teary and embarrassed. I think WW is worried that I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. I admit, I am starting to believe it is a very real possibility.

Though I believe that I am good enough at my job to eventually overcome this incident, this will probably stand in the way of me being taken seriously and being given full respect. I mean, how is the BB supposed to take me seriously as a mature, capable, responsible supervisor/manager if I break down in front of him over such a seemingly small thing?

Russ'll be home soon. Dinner and a cuddle will make me feel better.