Why I'm not a grown-up

[dreaminghope]

Adults work full-time and get their own place; they buy appliances, furniture and art; they have dishes that match; they acquire car and mortgage payments; they have credit cards and cheques; they contribute to RRSP funds and save their money for practical things.

I have done or am doing all these things. I'm excited about getting myself a DustBuster with my Air Miles points. I even like doing dishes and laundry (most of the time). I joke about relationships and the difficulty of living with a man with my mom.

But I'm not a grown-up. I don't drink wine with dinner. I don't get a morning paper, nor do I get up early enough in the morning to read it before work if I did. I don't dress up for work. I can't remember the last time I bought myself brand-new clothes. By my parents' examples, those are the things that real grown-ups do.

I don't want to be my parents (though they are good and wonderful people; we simply don't share all our values), but they have set the standard for my adulthood in the small details of their lives and routines. I'm not sure how to feel like an adult without following their example. I'm sure everyone's standard for feeling like they've finally achieved adulthood is different because the truth for each person is in their upbringing.

It isn't bad, not feeling like a grown-up, but I have all the responsibilities, so it would be nice to have that satisfaction, instead of just feeling like a big kid playing house.

What are your standards for adulthood? Do you feel like a grown-up? If you do, when did it happen?

Comments

[lupine-child.livejournal.com]

I'm so very different in my day-to-day life from my parents that I'm not sure I'm able to use them as grown-up yardsticks. We have a half-finished bottle of wine in our fridge that has moved from drinkable to cook with and is rapidly approaching toss out!

[dreamhope.livejournal.com]

Hmmm... food for thought.

Do you think moving so far from your parents made you an adult in your own mind, or at least let you create your own image of adulthood? Do you have any perceptions of what it is to be a grown-up left over from childhood that still influence how you perceive your own life?

[lupine-child.livejournal.com]

I think the distance caused my Mum to reassess how she dealt with me. Our relationship became a bit more relaxed although she still calls on a weekly basis to check in!

Both my parents are pretty good about treating me like I'm capable of rational decision making without massive questions, although there are the occasional, inevitable slide backs. As my stepmother said with a shrug, "you stopped listening to advice when you were around fifteen, so we stopped offering it." It doesn't mean that I stopped asking for it, just that they trusted me to come to them when I needed help instead of wading through unsolicited commentary.

[dreamhope.livejournal.com]

"Both my parents are pretty good about treating me like I'm capable of rational decision making without massive questions..."

That's really interesting, because I never considered that part of feeling like an adult. That may be because I cannot remember a time when my (non-harmful, non-tantrum-based) decisions weren't taken seriously. When I was about 6 or 7 years old, I told my Mom that I didn't want to be in the skating performance. My teacher tried to tell my Mom that she should get me a costume anyway, because I'd change my mind. And my Mom responded that I knew my own mind and once I'd made a decision, I was commited to it.* And I was, and that was the final word for both Mom and I.

* Aside: I wish I could be so decisive now as I was then.