Why I'm not a grown-up

[dreaminghope]

Adults work full-time and get their own place; they buy appliances, furniture and art; they have dishes that match; they acquire car and mortgage payments; they have credit cards and cheques; they contribute to RRSP funds and save their money for practical things.

I have done or am doing all these things. I'm excited about getting myself a DustBuster with my Air Miles points. I even like doing dishes and laundry (most of the time). I joke about relationships and the difficulty of living with a man with my mom.

But I'm not a grown-up. I don't drink wine with dinner. I don't get a morning paper, nor do I get up early enough in the morning to read it before work if I did. I don't dress up for work. I can't remember the last time I bought myself brand-new clothes. By my parents' examples, those are the things that real grown-ups do.

I don't want to be my parents (though they are good and wonderful people; we simply don't share all our values), but they have set the standard for my adulthood in the small details of their lives and routines. I'm not sure how to feel like an adult without following their example. I'm sure everyone's standard for feeling like they've finally achieved adulthood is different because the truth for each person is in their upbringing.

It isn't bad, not feeling like a grown-up, but I have all the responsibilities, so it would be nice to have that satisfaction, instead of just feeling like a big kid playing house.

What are your standards for adulthood? Do you feel like a grown-up? If you do, when did it happen?

Comments

[catmcroy.livejournal.com]

Real adults do dishes every day and make their beds everyday.

I generally force myself to do dishes a couple of times a week (though the last time I did dishes was um about 2 weeks ago *blush* I'm making myself do them tonight though) and I never make my bed - no point *shrugs* I just get in it again and mess it all up.

The only thing that my mother and I have in common as housekeepers is we clean our toilets regularly. She also vaccums once a week. I um don't even own a vaccum.

[dreamhope.livejournal.com]

Real adults do dishes every day and make their beds everyday.

Funnily enough, I generally do both of these things. I skip dishes maybe once every two weeks, but I always make the bed. I guess these things don't make me feel like an adult because I also did them as a child living with my parents. I have been well trained, apparently!

[roaneskin.livejournal.com]

Grown Up, hmmm pinches my own arm, I wonder sometimes if I have even woke up

[misselaineeous.livejournal.com]

I'm so not a grown up! I still live with my parents and I have never left!

[dreamhope.livejournal.com]

I definitely think full-time school delays growing up. It often results in you living at home, but even if you do move out, the rhythm of school and homework and a part-time job doesn't feel "grown-up".

But you'll be really grown-up in a year! You'll be married, and moved out and paying a mortgage, and on your way to getting a career started soon too. Do you think you'll feel like an adult then?

I'm curious about your perceptions of adult behaviour in particular, since we grew up with the same conditioning. What would make you feel like a grown-up?

[misselaineeous.livejournal.com]

I always liked being in school because it allowed me to avoid thinking of myself as a grown-up. It's kind-of like being in a limbo stage where everyone accepts the fact that you do not necessarily have to act like a adult. I think that that idea came from our parents. When I am in school I didn't have to pay rent but when I was working full time I did pay rent. I used to like the idea of avoiding being an adult by being a student, now I want the schooling to be done so that I can feel like a grown-up.
I understand the thoughts about the little grown-up things that mom and dad to that can set ideas about what being an adult is. Strangly, I see things in the opposite manner. I have things that I do that mom and dad have never done which makes me feel like I'm still a kid. For example, I still drink milk with dinner. I have never seen either of our parents drink milk and therefore in my brain it equates as a child-like thing to do.
I think that having a place of my own, paying bills (beyond my current credit card and phone bills), and having a husband will make me feel like a grown-up. I don't really know yet if that is because of the adult-ness shown by our parents. I guess I'll have to wait and see.
The pass couple of days I have been freaking out about finances. I think that my obsession with money (not having it in large sums to spend, but in large sums to save) has come from our parents. Mom and dad have never been the type of people to spend in excess and they have always invested a lot of money. I have need to have a large 'emergency fund' to assure that I will never be in financial trouble (I have learnt that everyone should have enough money saved up to retain their current lifestyle for three to six months). With having to pay for school, a wedding, a place to live, and all the stuff that we will need when we do move (e.g. cutlery) I am all in a panic. I made Justin sit down with me and show me how it will all work and to make budgets for wedding costs, and what we can afford to buy in terms of a home (i.e. downpayment, monthly mortgage costs). He is much more level headed about these things then I am. I trust that he knows what he is taking about (I think the accountant thing helps!)and he understands my craziness about money. He knows that my head will explode if I don't think that we have enough money so he assures me that he will make sure that we will not be living pay check to pay check.

[rythos42.livejournal.com]

A good question. I agree with you in the "not a grown-up" issue. But I wonder if the standards we set today are constantly moving. Do we constantly look at our parents for an example of what it means to be grown up? If that is the case, we won't be grown up until we are dead, as that is the last state our parents enter that they never change from. How morbid of me. Gaah.

[dreamhope.livejournal.com]

Do we constantly look at our parents for an example of what it means to be grown up?

I don't know that this applies, in my case anyway, because the things I'm talking about are things that are so consistant. My parents have always done these things and will continue to do them into the foreseeable future; that's what makes them so powerful as symbols. So even if my parents stop drinking wine with dinner, they did it for so long that it will still be the "adult thing to do" in my mind. Also, I doubt I'll ever think that I have to retire in order to feel like an adult, though that is the next logical stage in my parents' lives.

However, on the morbid side of things, I heard somewhere that one doesn't feel like a grown-up until one's parents have both passed away, as until then, you are always a child to them. Weird for me to think that, if that's true, both my parents don't feel like grown-ups either.

[lupine-child.livejournal.com]

I'm so very different in my day-to-day life from my parents that I'm not sure I'm able to use them as grown-up yardsticks. We have a half-finished bottle of wine in our fridge that has moved from drinkable to cook with and is rapidly approaching toss out!

[dreamhope.livejournal.com]

Hmmm... food for thought.

Do you think moving so far from your parents made you an adult in your own mind, or at least let you create your own image of adulthood? Do you have any perceptions of what it is to be a grown-up left over from childhood that still influence how you perceive your own life?

[lupine-child.livejournal.com]

I think the distance caused my Mum to reassess how she dealt with me. Our relationship became a bit more relaxed although she still calls on a weekly basis to check in!

Both my parents are pretty good about treating me like I'm capable of rational decision making without massive questions, although there are the occasional, inevitable slide backs. As my stepmother said with a shrug, "you stopped listening to advice when you were around fifteen, so we stopped offering it." It doesn't mean that I stopped asking for it, just that they trusted me to come to them when I needed help instead of wading through unsolicited commentary.

[dreamhope.livejournal.com]

"Both my parents are pretty good about treating me like I'm capable of rational decision making without massive questions..."

That's really interesting, because I never considered that part of feeling like an adult. That may be because I cannot remember a time when my (non-harmful, non-tantrum-based) decisions weren't taken seriously. When I was about 6 or 7 years old, I told my Mom that I didn't want to be in the skating performance. My teacher tried to tell my Mom that she should get me a costume anyway, because I'd change my mind. And my Mom responded that I knew my own mind and once I'd made a decision, I was commited to it.* And I was, and that was the final word for both Mom and I.

* Aside: I wish I could be so decisive now as I was then.

[darianhawke.livejournal.com]

My standards for adulthood have morphed somewhat, I think. First though, I don't so much think of it as adulthood per se, but more of "making it". A sense of having reached a certain level of your existence, with a level of responsibility and power asociated with it. I've felt (if not acted) like an adult for a long time. But I've never felt like I've made it.

I used to have The Plan (TM, Pat. Pend.). There was a list of things that I wanted to be able to feel "there". A house, a car, a good (ie: well paying, 9-5) job, a wife, kids. That's all. I used to think that that's al I'd need. I was naive that way, but while it isn't all I'd need, it would provide a certain foudation, an infrastructure if you will.

Now.... now I'm not so sure. I still want the family and the house and everything else. But some of its has changed, and some has lessened.

I used to want a mansion, a really nice, big house. A statement. Now I feel ok with a nice condo or townhouse. A place like my coworker has on coal harbor. Ironically, it'll prolly cost as much if not more for that now, than my ideas of nice houses 8 years ago.

The car is still there, but less fast and flashy, more sensible....and flashy. Gotta be pimp, yo. :p

I still want a wife and kids. Its a big part of what I want for my future. But I've learned to let go of it a bit. Learned to want it less, and learned to not need it so much. Somewhere between letting go of a dream, and realizing that there are more than one dream to hold onto.

And the job... It used to be high-level exec with 6 figures. Now, well it would be nice to have the 6 figures, but given that my horizons have dropped somewhat on the other "requirements", so too has my job/income dreams. I used to argue with Derrick that 60K a year is nowhere near enough. Now, it could be.

As for feeling grown up on a day to day basis, sometimes. On some days I can see everything I have, all the power over my destiny, and all the responsibility and freedoms I have, and I feel like an adult. Other days, I feel like a kid wearing grown-up clothes and doing grown-up things. Some days I try to become that kid again, and some days I just feel old.

I think adulthood is what you want it to be. Look around you. I can point to people of all ages at all stages of life, love, work, play, sickness, health, responsibility and freedom. I knew a girl in elementary school who was doing university classes. My Dad's best friend is newly divorced, rowdy, and smokes pot. Adulthood is a label. You are who you are, when you are. If you want to chase after a dream, then go for it, but remember to be happy in your reality too.

...you did it to me again, didn't you? And no comments about taking my own advice dammit! I'm older than you, I can do what I want. So nyah :p

[dreamhope.livejournal.com]

Your comments are so long, I can't get a grasp on what to respond to! Silly you!

If you want to chase after a dream, then go for it, but remember to be happy in your reality too. ... no comments about taking my own advice dammit!

The interesting thing is, I don't really need advice. You see, I'm merely contemplating what my upbringing tells me about day-to-day adulthood, not looking to make myself feel differently. So, I can only conclude that you giving advice to yourself through me... have at it!

[darianhawke.livejournal.com]

So, I can only conclude that you giving advice to yourself through me... have at it!

GAH!!! Foiled again!

I guess I missed the point of what you were asking. I'm in a very evolving and uncertain place, so I prolly read that into your post.

Both Cin and I moved out quite early, when compared to most people. I was what, 18? 19? But I don't think I ever thought of us as too young, or even young at all. We were capable, we were responsible, and we did it. I guess I felt pretty grown-up at that point.

[dreamhope.livejournal.com]

I guess I missed the point of what you were asking.

You know, I think a lot of people did. Personally, from an editor's perspective, I think the problem was this phrase: ...but I have all the responsibilities, so it would be nice to have that satisfaction, instead of just feeling like a big kid playing house.

The post was really just supposed to be me contemplating how my perceptions of adulthood are focused on a few details from my parents' life (i.e., wine and newspapers), where I subconsciously feel like I'm not an adult due to their lack, despite all the responsibilities I have and grown up things I am doing.

[darianhawke.livejournal.com]

I haven't lived with my parents in over 10 years, or shared a country with them in over 8. My perceptions are based on things I took to heart when I was much younger. That's where I get a lot of my images from. But I can also thank/blame TV for forming my expectations of being grown-up. I don't watch much now, but it used to be all I did, and in the 80s and early 90s, there weren't the same "role-models" as ther are now. Families were very cookie-cutter.

And now I struggle with the dichotomy of how things "should be" versus how they are. It causes me much frustration, and its a conflict I hope to solve one of these days.

[tareija.livejournal.com]

I don't think I really have standards of what is "grown up" in the same way that many other people do. I think the fact that my life path has diverged somewhat from the average influences that. I've felt like a grown up in certain areas of my life for a long, long time, even stretching back to when I was a kid in some cases. Of course, I wasn't physically, but I think my responsibilities and concerns as a kid/teenager were pretty different.

I guess the short answer is, I've felt like I've had grown up responsiblities for years, but only in the last few years do I really feel like I've had the competence and emotional resources (as opposed to intellectual resources) to master them. I used to spend a lot of time feeling like a loser for not being "further ahead" in life, but I'm starting to be able to look back and see how young I actually was when I had to start dealing with particular things, and so I find I can cut myself some slack there.

The one thing that has made me go "dude, I'm actually an adult, whoa" is not the fact that I have adult responsibilities, but the fact that now most or all of my friends do. I am no longer the anomaly, the only person doing the "adult thing." That trips me out some days., and I guess that's how I konw that I am finally a grown up.

[dreamhope.livejournal.com]

Your background is, of course, really different since you took on so many grown-up things at a very young age. Though I was also considered more mature then my classmates, I stayed at home and didn't do the adult stuff until university.

...and see how young I actually was when I had to start dealing with particular things, and so I find I can cut myself some slack there.

Yeah! I think I remember us having a conversation about that a couple of years ago now. I always thought you put too much pressure on yourself to be grown-up in all ways right away.

...is not the fact that I have adult responsibilities, but the fact that now most or all of my friends do.

We are catching up with you! Run!

Silliness aside, I find that really interesting. It makes a lot of sense, but I never would have thought about that. Now that I do, I realise how many people hint at also feeling that way; like having a younger sibling reach an adult milestone (moving out, getting a good job, getting married, whatever) suddenly makes the older sibling feel more grown-up.

Thanks for adding your perspective!

[marlo.livejournal.com]

I'm so not a grown up, and I never want to be. I feel like a smart, mature teenager. I play video games and download mp3s instead of doing the dishes and cleaning the litter box, both of which I get around to doing about once a week. I don't know how to drive. I don't drink. I don't watch sports/soap operas/the news. For Christmas I want Buffy DVDs and an mp3 player: these are not grownup requests. I play D&D once a week. I love Harry Potter and Star Wars and cartoons.

[dreamhope.livejournal.com]

Oh, I can relate to a lot of this! I want toys for Christmas (though I also want a DustBuster). I love Harry Potter and I've begun re-reading a lot of the books I loved as a kid. I'm looking forward to getting my basement room set up where I can move some of my childhood toys into it, and I think I'll end up playing with them too.

At the same time, I've always been "mature" and "responsible"; everyone has always thought I'm older then I am. So, it seems weird to me that everyone seems to think I'm an adult, and has for a long time, except for me.

adulthood

[fruitkakechevy.livejournal.com]

When I'm doing well, and keeping on top of everything, and my world is bright and sunny, I am an adult. I am sometimes a gleefully childish adult, but I consider myself to be self-aware enough to be an adult that chooses to be silly.

When I'm not doing so well, due to school-stress, work-stress, or whatever else, I regress to being pretty self-absorbed and selfish.

To me, being an adult really has nothing to do with the stuff I have (though I have some adult stuff, like matching dishes, I wouldn't miss most of it if it were gone). Being an adult is about realizing that other people are as real to themselves as one is to one's own self.. and I think some people will never get there.

Re: adulthood

[dreamhope.livejournal.com]

Beautifully said! Thank you!

[cinnamonsqueak.livejournal.com]

I think shockingly.. I am an adult. Despite the toys and silliness, I feel like a grown up. I pay bills, I work, I have stress and responsibility. I've felt like an adult since I was 17.

I don't think its bad. I know sometimes I'm a party pooper and worry too much about safety and stuff, but I can't help it.

As far as being a grown up. I think you just have to feel it. Feel in control of your life, and be as excited about household appliances as you are about your toys.

[darianhawke.livejournal.com]

I've felt like an adult since I was 17.

That's an interesting point. I've felt like an adult too. I'm just not sure I felt grown-up. There's an important distinction. I feel more grown-up now, but less like an adult.